I Can Not Birth Children Anymore, But I'm Getting Ready to Give Birth Anyway....

In a few days I will be undergoing a hysterectomy.  For the past few years I have endured polyps in my uterus, surgical removal of them, all to return again, along with prolonged and painful periods.  The last straw was a few months ago when I bled for an entire 34 days!  My gynecologist, who is a no nonsense, kick butt female physician and surgeon, presented many options for me to remedy this situation. After much medical counsel and prayer, my hubby and I agreed that the hysterectomy is the best option. I have not told many people because there are simply times when we women must make decisions that are best for us, without the fear, trepidation and critique of others.  I have nothing against receiving wise counsel, matter of fact, I welcome it now that I am older and wiser and have had my share of unadvised mishaps.

Pregnant with 2012

As I reflect on the fact that in a few days, my body will no longer be able to produce or carry a life ever again, produces a myriad of feelings.  Now I know what some of you are thinking.  You are probably saying, "Angela, aren't you almost 48 years old?  You probably don't have many viable eggs anyway!"  To that I say, you may be right, but if Janet Jackson can do it at 50, I'm sure there is a snowballs chance in hell that I could also (smile).  But seriously, the first emotion I feel is gratitude.  I am so thankful to God to have health insurance where I can receive top notch medical care and not suffer due to lack of it.  I am grateful to have a husband who works tirelessly to provide for the girls and I so we can eat, sleep, live and enjoy a safe and happy life.  I am very grateful for the two daughters God allowed me to carry in my soon to be bare womb! 

I LOVED being pregnant.  I felt amazing, by breast looked amazing and I gotta toot my own horn, I looked great!!!  What a gift to have been able to feel a life growing in my womb.  I never knew love like I know it now, and that love grew as a seed in my womb.  I will never forget the feel of my babies kicking, moving and stretching in my belly.  I also had two amazing and outstanding labor and deliveries.  Each time I gave birth, I was surrounded by loved ones and we laughed in between pushing, all while my husband snacked on pistachios and peanuts!

Second emotion brewing within me is a ting of "what if." You see, back in 2010 I suffered a miscarriage.  To this day, I wonder if the baby was the boy I always dreamt of raising.  I will never know.  I have often day dreamt of possibly trying for a boy, but knowing my luck, if I got pregnant today, I would probably birth twin girls!!!  I remember being 19, sitting in my dorm room at Penn State and vowing to my BFF Judy that whenever I had a son, I would name him Titus.  Well, Titus never came.  To be totally honest with you, when I went for my sonogram back in 2012 to determine the sex of the baby, when the doctor said it was another girl, for a full three hours after notification, I was disappointed.  But today, when I look at my little Lilly, I could not envision life without her.

The third emotion I feel is excitement!  You must be thinking I am crazy for being excited about enduring major surgery to remove my uterus and fallopian tubes.  The truth is, I know that change ushers in new phases and opportunities of growth, productivity and life.  Yes, a door is closing in my life that God allowed open for 47 years.  That open door that God allowed, birthed forth two healthy, happy and amazing daughters.  That open door also taught me how to love a life that I lost without even setting eyes on him/her.  That open door, also known as my fertile womb, thrust me into motherhood 10 years ago and created a carbon copy of Gods express love for us, His children.  The love I have for my children transcends words.  This deep adoration and affection sprung forth from a season of womb fertility and life producing decades. 

Lastly, I feel courageous!  It takes inner strength and faith to honestly embrace my physical and medical truths and make sound, wise decisions that will prolong and improve my quality of life.  We women often put everyone elses health before our own.  For too long, females have worn physical pain and discomfort as a badge of honor.  NO, it is not good or normal to bleed extensively or feel tired all the time, or put up with uncontrollable aches and pains.  I feel like a strong, bad ass woman (sorry for the cursing, butt it's how I feel) being proactive in my health.  My daughters see an example of true womanhood! That being a powerful woman is not solely contingent upon our physical attributes, but the mindset and strength to face life with faith and courage.

Today, three days before this change manifest, I welcome this new season.  I will no longer be able to bring forth physical life ever again, but I will be birthing within MYSELF a fresh, innovative and unpaved path called destiny. My latter years will bring forth manifestations greater than my former days.  My uterus does not make me a life giver and life sustainer, my heart, souls and mind does! 

Love you,

Angela