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Two days ago, I was there….in that place that is not uncommon for me. As I lay in my husbands arms sobbing, I had to put all that I preach into practice regarding acknowledging what I was feeling and thinking days & weeks prior to this collapse. On December 28, 2018 we closed on a brand-new, new construction home. A home that no one has ever lived, bathed, eaten or crapped in!!! A beautiful, quaint four-bedroom, three bath home with a kick ass Master bath shower that makes me want to roll in dirt just for an excuse to shower, then repeat; roll in dirt and shower again. For all intense and purposes, anyone with an ounce of gratitude would be on cloud nine, and happy as a lark to be moving into such a blessed home. Not me. I found myself feeling depressed, drained, exhausted and unhappy. And on top of that, an even greater sense of guilt for feeling depressed, drained, exhausted and unhappy. Whenever people would call and congratulate me on our new home, I would put on a fake grin, conjure up an even faker pleasant sounding voice, and spit out phony accolades of how happy I was. What a bunch of crap!!!! As I was putting on the performance of a lifetime, I knew from past anxiety breakdowns, that another one was on the horizon. The deeper I shoved unaddressed emotions, the more compacted my hub became only to erupt like Mount Vesuvius.
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The truth of the matter is, I mentally battle with
negative thoughts, beliefs and mindsets that literally zap every bit of energy,
joy, hope, enjoyment and optimism within me.
Can I pin point when this began?
No. I believe a great deal of my
pessimism was birthed from negative self-talk and negative thoughts I told myself
from an early age because I was fat.
Then, on top of that, the rejection I experienced on an almost daily
basis up until my 30’s resulting from being obese and people responding as if
obesity was a nasty contagious ailment.
The more negative thoughts you ponder on , the more negative your world
becomes. Even though great occurrences
could be happening all around you, all you see, hear and feel is the
negative. Then, the tangible damage
happens when you start verbalizing and acting out the adverse words and
mindsets from yourself and others. When
this happens, you will start paying mental, physical, emotional, relational,
sexual, spiritual, and physical prices that are too high to ever pay off. You basically lose your soul (emotions, will
and intellect) to a dark, very dark force.
Now, where was I?.......... Oh, yeah, my most recent breakdown. Thanks to therapy, prayer, Godly counsel, medication and a loving husband, I know when I am embarking on one of these breakdowns. I can actually feel one brewing a few days before it manifest. You see, for the past 8 months, this home buying process was stressing me out. Dealing with the lender, the home builders, bills, on top of bills, on top of bills, and finding ways to “rob Peter to pay Paul” juggling due dates and setting up payment arrangements. I swear, the only stress second to financial stress is health issues. On top of that, dealing with my kids and their change of personality and attitudes. Getting a hysterectomy. Attending Real Estate school, studying like crazy, all to fail the exam and having to pay and retake the course again. Then, on top of all that, my bonus son is incarcerated, and we have not heard from him in months. I am worried sick because we have never gone this long without a single word from him. I have been reaching out to various lawyers and organizations requesting assistance in hopefully lessening his prison sentence, but no one has given me a favorable response. Door after door keeps closing. Then, deep within, I feel unfulfilled as a creative, result driven woman. I have all this education, professional hopes, dreams and goals, but it seems like nothing ever manifest long enough to come to full ripeness. And Lord, please help me to stop putting my sweet, understanding husband last. By the time I get to him after finishing all my daily and mommy task, all I want is to drink a glass of red wine and veg out on ratchet TV. When I was single, on my “what I want in a mate” list, one of my entries was for him to always sexually desire me. Ladies be careful what you ask for…… that’s all I’m saying!
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Two days before my recent emotional collapse, I
began to feel an enormous quantity of guilt and self-condemnation. This is always a tale, tale sign that a
breakdown in on the horizon. This sense
of guilt and self-blame is birthed whenever I do not recognize my true feelings
and emotions. The guilt voice says,
“Angela, you are so DAMN ungrateful for not shaking the feelings you are
having. You have a great spouse and
gorgeous, healthy children! What do you
have to be unhappy, and sad about?” Then
the real mental guilt kicker, “Surely
God is angry with me for feeling this way!”
Then, before I know it, t-minus 5, 4, 3, 2, 1………BREAKDOWN! Sobbing, shaking, immense anger, sadness and
guilt.
After an intense 40 minutes of expressive lows, a sense that a heavy weight has been lifted, followed by exhaustion, resulting in the soundest sleep I’ve had in weeks. The thing is, I know the signs that lead to this meltdown, but simply cease to pay attention to them. I, like many of you, think I am emotionally invincible and do not have to take a moment to slow down, breathe and pin point what is bothering me. Why do we women think we have to keep our “Super Woman” capes on all the time? To prevent such outburst, I have a responsibility to do various actions. I will list the areas of personal acknowledgements that are critical to me maintain a balanced mindset. Hopefully this list will help you also.
1. I must acknowledge any and every
feeling I have and not sweep them under the rug. Lying to myself is not an
option! If I feel it, regardless of how
ugly, bad, embarrassing, etc. the thought and/or feeling may be, I must identify
it.
2. I must, and I repeat, MUST cast
down ALL stinking thinking and fill my mind and mouth with positive, life
creating words, regardless of how contrary it is to my reality. Daily confessions must be as natural and
common place as breathing.
3. I cannot allow my children to
stress me out with their demands, personalities, attitudes and idiosyncrasies. As a mother, especially of younger children,
I find myself bombarded with constant request to do this, buy that, go here, go
there. Quite honestly, if you give in to
every desire of your child, it will drive you insane. Over the past 8 months, I noticed I developed
a habit of crunching my fingers back and forth constantly. The weird thing is, I only did this when in
the presence of my children. For
example, from the moment we begin our morning, get ready for school routine,
till the time I drop them off at school, I am repetitively crunching my fingers
back and forth. However, once they leave
the car to enter their school, I do not do this rhythmic finger repetition
until they reenter the car for the drive home.
Then it hit me! “Oh SNAP!” I have developed a nervous condition whose
underline cause is stress from my kids.
4. I will not over tax myself being
a mom taxi cab or mommy uber for my kids.
Simply put, I do not allow our daughters to be in too many activates at
one time. I will never understand how
some of you parents do it. Your kids are
in soccer, ballet, tennis, chess, piano, choir, karate, and that is just on the
weekends. My GOD! That will drive any mother into a
breakdown. You are wearing yourself
out! Have your kids pick either one
activity they can focus on or two if you don’t have a lot of kids nor lots of
commitments. Not only are parents today
over taxing and wearing their kids out, you are hurting yourself also. Trust me, being in tons of activities will
not guarantee enrollment into an Ivy League University. If it does, you are
going to wear yourself out so much till you won’t be alive to watch them
graduate! You’re killing yourself.
5.
I CANNOT do it all in one
day. Laundry, cleaning, ironing, grocery
shopping, bill juggling, etc. Unless I
have housekeeping help, a personal assistant and a nanny, some of my home maker
duties will have to be done on different days, not all on the same day.
6. I must listen to my body. When I am tired, it is detrimental to my
mental and emotional health and peace of mind to rest. A nap is not a bad thing.
7. I must find time to participate
in at least one activity or hobby that brings me joy, and not feel guilty for
it.
8. Prayer and reading my Bible has
to take preference to everything.
9. I must spend quality and
quantity time with my husband. When it’s
all said and done, and the kids are grown and out the house, it will be Larry
and me. I have only made two vows to God
in my life. One to make God the Lord of
my life and the second vow was to love, honor and cherish my husband till death
do us part. Too many of my friends have
buried their husbands, I don’t want to bury mine before I take the time to 100%
love, honor and cherish him.
If I do all these actions, does that guarantee I
will never have another breakdown? No,
but I am optimistically hoping and praying that they will lessen. Ladies, moms, it feels good to confess my
issues to you. Be blessed, acknowledge
your real emotions and feelings and most importantly, know you are not alone,
so do not suffer alone in silence.
Angela Johnson Ayers,
Confessions of Mommie
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